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    La Bomba
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    Friendships

    Post by La Bomba on 21/12/2015, 10:35

    I'm feeling low. It's a tough time of year. I miss my dad. And lots of my friends are so busy with their lives that they haven't made much effort after the initial flurry of messages straight after my dad died. That much I can understand and move past. People are like that and I know there's no malice intended just absorption in their own lives. Upsetting yes but no massive biggie.

    But there's one situation with a friend which has hurt me and I'm not sure how to deal with it. Direct head on talk to her or just drop it?

    So C is someone I think of as a good friend. I'm friends with her husband, X, too. We went to their wedding and we normally socialise lots. She came to see me once I was back in Vlc after my dad's funeral, albeit to cry on me about her own dad who's sick. But I got it and it actually helped to share stuff with someone who understands.

    I went out with another friend a week ago and asked C to come along. She said she was too busy marking and doing reports. Fair enough, but on a Saturday night? Suspect

    Cut to this weekend. I work with a friend of C's, L, and he asked me on Thursday what my plans were for the weekend. I told him. And then he said, "So I'll see you at X's drinks on Saturday" and I was confused as I knew nothing about it.

    I'm hurt and confused as normally we'd be invited to any drinks they had, especially for birthdays so I don't get what's going on. And C had mentioned that we should all go out with L and his wife too as L and I get on too.

    C and I are due to meet this week I think. So do I bring it up or what?
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    adora
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by adora on 21/12/2015, 12:15

    First of all hug It is such a tough time of year and you need to give yourself permission to be sad and feel what you need to feel, but also to be kind to yourself and to enjoy what bits you can. What did you decide about christmas in the end, are you staying at home with R and E? Hope so.

    Bereavement and grief do make people act odd around you unfortunately. It makes people uncomfortable and they can back off. A couple of my friendships went wobbly for a while, mostly back on track now though I don't forget! Perhaps your friend sees your grief of a reminder of what may be to come with her dad, even subconsciously, and she is avoiding you without realising? Not an excuse at all.

    To clarify, is it C who is having the drinks, or is X a separate person? I'd write off the night she was marking - she may well have been, or she may have just been knackered or sad or stressed and not up for a night out. But if she's having drinks and not inviting you that is strange, and I would mention it just in a 'L mentioned you were having drinks and I was a bit worried that we've not been asked, I hope I've not upset you in any way?'. If it's another person having the drinks then that's different, maybe the issue is with them?
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    Dollyrocker
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by Dollyrocker on 21/12/2015, 12:15

    I would bring it up, it'll drive you crazy otherwise. There might be an innocent explanation to it.

    I found that since having Finlay people will assume I can;t come to drinks things so don't even bother inviting me dunno does C have kids? Maybe she assumed you couldn't come
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    La Bomba
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by La Bomba on 21/12/2015, 13:08

    Thanks for your replies, girls.

    To clarify, sorry!, X is C's husband and we normally get invited for drinks/dos that they host.

    I think that's a good approach to take, Ads, thanks.

    And you could well be right about the kids thing, Dolly. That is also a frustrating thing.

    I had told C at the time I invited her to my drinks out that I was in need of fun nights out with friends do it feels odd for her to ignore that & not invite me, especially as I work with her friend L who told me about it anyway meh

    Christmas time is feeling tough, I'll be honest. I well up with tears a lot and am very much missing my dad and the way he made such an effort at Christmas time. It's pure shite.

    In the end I decided to stay here as I'm worn out & the expense for 3 of us. I'll be going there early January though. I asked my mum if she wanted to come here though and at first she said yes and then later changed her mind. No worries about that. I wasn't too surprised.

    I've sent her a hamper for Christmas. As far as I know, she's not sending us anything as she doesn't have the wherewithal to think of that. Again, I'm not surprised.

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    Re: Friendships

    Post by smartiecat on 21/12/2015, 13:50

    I think Ads approach sounds good too. I think people are funny about grief - one of my colleagues recently lost her father and has found that several people have not given her a Christmas card when they're giving them to everyone else confused it's like they don't know how to deal with it so just avoid it. Doesn't excuse it at all and I'd be upset too. It's going to be a tough time to get through, I can only begin to imagine, but there are people who care about you and whom you can lean on. I'm glad you're spending it at home with your boys Hugs x
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    adora
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by adora on 21/12/2015, 14:12

    I'm so glad you're staying home Bom, and really hope this will be the start of you giving yourself permission to put yourself first.

    Hope you get things sorted with C too hug

    It's such an awful time of year for the bereaved, the first christmas felt like a personal affront to me, I felt sick with dread at the thought of it as well as livid that it was happening at all. im not going to come all 'time heals' on you because in so many ways it really doesn't, but it gets less constant, and you find a way to be happy amongst the sadness.
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    Stru
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by Stru on 21/12/2015, 14:18

    adorabaubles wrote:

    Bereavement and grief do make people act odd around you unfortunately. It makes people uncomfortable and they can back off. A couple of my friendships went wobbly for a while, mostly back on track now though I don't forget!

    Dollyrocker wrote:

    I found that since having Finlay people will assume I can;t come to drinks things so don't even bother inviting me dunno does C have kids? Maybe she assumed you couldn't come

    I find both of these utterly unfathomable. Surely you make more effort with friends when they go through hard times? And why does having a child = social life over Loopy

    La Bomba wrote:

    I've sent her a hamper for Christmas. As far as I know, she's not sending us anything as she doesn't have the wherewithal to think of that. Again, I'm not surprised.


    That's a lovely gesture Bom and I hope she sorts her act out and starts acting like a proper friend to you Hugs
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    La Bomba
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by La Bomba on 21/12/2015, 14:23

    Sparkle wrote:

    I find both of these utterly unfathomable. Surely you make more effort with friends when they go through hard times? And why does having a child = social life over  Loopy

    Well, exactly, Strudes. Loopy

    La Bomba wrote:

    I've sent her a hamper for Christmas. As far as I know, she's not sending us anything as she doesn't have the wherewithal to think of that. Again, I'm not surprised.



    Sparkle wrote:


    That's a lovely gesture Bom and I hope she sorts her act out and starts acting like a proper friend to you Hugs

    I sent the hamper to my mum, Stru, not my friend. But yes, the same applies!
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    Stru
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by Stru on 21/12/2015, 15:46

    Oh sorry my dear, I must have mis-read that!
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    La Bomba
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by La Bomba on 22/12/2015, 11:54

    No worries, Stru, I probably wasn't being particularly clear.

    Well, I have an update and actually it's taught me a bit about myself. That I somehow expect to be left out and ignored/treated badly even when that's not the reality Embarassed

    Basically I got chatting to L, mine and C's mutual friend and my colleague,yesterday after work and he told me that he'd pushed for X, C's hb, to go out despite X not really wanting to & feeling ill, bless him. So it was just a quiet foursome of L & his wife & C & X.

    So I built a bad situation in my head out of the bare bones of what I thought I knew. I feel a twerp and definitely need to look at this shake head
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    Stru
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by Stru on 22/12/2015, 11:56

    Ah bomb, don't be so hard on yourself! I think it's very easy to read quickly into situations, and many of us are guilty of this - me included.

    I'm really glad that it was just a misunderstanding.
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    Re: Friendships

    Post by smartiecat on 22/12/2015, 14:07

    La Bomba wrote:So I built a bad situation in my head out of the bare bones of what I thought I knew. I feel a twerp and definitely need to look at this shake head

    Don't feel bad Bomba Hugs you're having a crappy time so are understandably feeling low. I also do this all the time. I'm going round in a circle like that with a friend of mine at the moment and am doing my own head with it dunno I've nearly posted a thread a number of times then she's come through again and I realise it's (mostly, not entirely) just been me lacking in confidence. xx

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